I got the warmest sleep again, woke up under a lazy embrace. I stared at you carefully, measured you up against the highest stakes. I craved you like a drug that night, I wonder if you noticed. You have a certain grin sometimes that begs reciprocation and I usually oblige. Me, I’m always eager, always waiting for the next time. I can see that humble side of you, the side that doesn’t realize your effect on me. You ignored me gently, in a way that breeds anticipation. I want to show you, impress you, leave you wanting more. All I really need is a touch, a glance, a smile. Was I always this easy to please?

The months passed in a hot flash of impulse leaving their footprints as each one ended. I sunk myself between messy sheets and memorized each crease of every ceiling. I ran for freedom, took shelter in the simplicity of laughter and good wine. You opened a door that I had shut and locked up ages ago. I was wreckless and immediately surrendered myself to your effortless charm. My smiles felt sincere again. I muddled over the things I left behind for this and decide without regret or hesitation that I chose correctly. I wonder sometimes if you know. The obstacles were few and unjust to receive such a victory, but I would willingly climb any mountain, run any distance for you. At times, the fear of loss consumes my irrational thoughts and I wonder if things go as the saying does…’Nothing good ever lasts’ so they say. Sometimes my ears ring with silence, my pendulum swings unsteadily, and I tend to slip on level ground. You said I worry too much and I nodded and agreed. I am constantly grasping and reaching for something definite.. Something secure. But other times, I let go as if freefalling through open sky. This is the version of me I prefer, the one I become when in your presence. I take refuge in the best bits, the little things. The things I don’t say could fill up hour upon idle hour, but it all comes out better in type. I silently try and tell you, as my hands are more eloquent than I could ever try and vocalize.

Love is such a simple little word that doesn’t justify such a feeling. I wrap up these things like a condensed little present and hope those 4 letters do their job ]]> http://www.unintentions.com/?feed=rss2&p=125 http://www.unintentions.com/?p=123 http://www.unintentions.com/?p=123#comments Mon, 03 Aug 2009 01:26:15 +0000 Tiffany http://www.unintentions.com/?p=123 Last week brought the sudden unwelcomed urge to cry. I thought of you then as if smelling a familiar scent that conjures a memory. Nostalgia has blurred my recollection  and my thoughts of you are softened with gradual absence. I remember you in the most selective way, and we go on, staying friends, or at least some version of something platonic. And then I remember. The reason behind the familiar sting of a tear stained face. A version of you that I knew so well, yet somehow dismissed in light of our separation. The version I chose to leave behind. And so have you it seems.

We converse lightly, with history in our eyes. I wonder if you can still see the part of me you managed to destroy, lying dormant somewhere beneath our casual conversation about the weather . Your apologies then only offered condolences to a certain spirit I must work hard to regain. It’s still lost somewhere beneath the rubble. You mentioned her again in a light I wonder if you ever mentioned me in when I wasn’t around. You brag humbly about your new found happiness, and lessons learned in the past five years. I listen, interpreting  as a teacher would to her pupil, and take appropriate credit for your sudden appreciation and respect. I am talking the the man I always hoped you would be for me. That hindsight tends to be 20/20.  But  I learned some things from you along the way, before all was said and done.   The things you taught me were needed, not wanted. I never knew my breaking point before you. You pushed me in ways I never want to be pushed again, but I needed to feel it. I needed to know I could survive it.

I think about you now and wonder. I wonder if she’ll ever see your potential for rage. I wonder if you will ever scream her name and hold back your shaking hand professing how much you would like to drag it across her crying face. I wonder if you will ever look at her in a way that makes her shudder and crumble to the floor. I wonder if she will ever doubt your love for her. I wonder if you’ll hold her down, preventing her escape or threaten the very core of her soul. I wonder if you will mock her when she cries. I wonder if she will ever break and become unrecognizable to herself under the weight of your harsh words and steady, almost constant  absence. Did I get the worst of you all that time? Did I dedicate myself fully and faithfully for five years just to teach you how to show your best to someone else? I suppose that’s what friends are for.

I am not in regret or remorse for you.  We are sharing ourselves, new and improved with new people that are better for us. We are experiencing feelings we never felt with each other. This makes me feel equally sad and accomplished. To be your friend now is a sort of pacifier to the reality that someday, things will be different. Someday I won’t know you at all. By that time, I can’t say for sure if I will even be sad about it.  Someday we will look back and laugh at the audacity that five years seemed like a long time.  That night we collided our glasses together and said cheers to nothing. I say cheers to us and every mistake we ever made with each other. Every lesson learned. I couldn’t have asked for a happier ending with you.

1. ‘Don’t judge a book by it’s cover’

So what are we supposed to judge it by? By what’s inside?? Yeah, right…. I find this rarely occurs in the metaphorical sense, and by my own experience, even in the literal sense. In fact thinking back, the reason I chose most of the books I was going to read in school was based on the cover art alone. And yeah, some were crap for reading. But the artwork was still cool. Of course, the same applies to people. I believe everyone is guilty of constant and ever present judgment on those around them. Especially on those we don’t know or may just be passing by. We are only able to see their “covers” and we judge them accordingly to our own preferences and moral standards. I have found this is an essential part of human nature and definitely the reason cliques exist. Meaning similar people tend to flock together. And just how do you think this happens so often? Is it because they took the time to go up to one another and really get to know each other? Of course not! Most friendships I’ve seen or even been in were initiated solely on common association or interests. I suppose the saying to “not judge” is due to the fact that sometimes judgment is flawed. Sometimes that cool looking dude with the dreads and all the tattoos isn’t really an easygoing guy that will sell you weed. Sometimes he is a douche. Sometimes he is the lead singer in a christian ska band. Sometimes he is an undercover informant for the FBI. You see, some people try and pull a fast one on you, thereby throwing your judgment skills off kilter and making you doubt your own brilliant ability. But don’t lose faith because the point is, most times I find that people project themselves on the outside the way they want to be seen on the inside. For instance, you probably aren’t going to see a church pastor walking around with cornrows and shirts that say “Fuck Satan!” (Although that would be awesome.) But until that happens, I say judge away. Otherwise you will end up with friends you don’t even like. And they will cry when you make fun of their gay shirt.

2. “The grass is always greener on the other side”

Why exactly? Does the metaphorical lawn maintenance guy have a vendetta against you and vows to never water the grass on the side you happen to be on? Then let’s say if you were to switch sides, is he taking his garden supplies and skipping to the opposite end, laughing and pointing as he passes you? Maybe.. Of course, it could just be your own idiotic perception telling you things could always be better. It could always be greener. Right?… Wrong! In fact I think it’s the other way around. Personally, if you’ve got any kind of green going on in your grass, I think you should consider yourself lucky. (Even if that lawn maintenance guy is an asshole). The fact is things could always be worse. Change your perception and life will be much less frustrating. If anything, the grass is always deader on the other side. Also, it may be laced with booby traps and bombs (you never know-I wouldn’t put it past that evil lawn technician).

3. “Money is the root of all evil”

Whoever came up with this one was poor and wanted to make themselves feel better by deeming the very thing they didn’t have as the ROOT of all evil. Really? That’s a pretty far stretch if you ask me. The root of all evil is nothing more than human nature. After all, who do you think invented money in the first place? Last time I checked, evil has been around way longer than any currency (dinosaurs=definitely evil). But it definitely spiced things up a bit didn’t it? It’s true, people have done some awful things for money, some of them might even be considered evil .Is that to say money is the reason they did such things? Nahhhh. Sure, it’s an added bonus if you just so happen to be an evil person…But money didn’t make you that way. And what about things that money has nothing to do with? Evil things happen all the time and nobody is getting paid for them (except maybe the victims of such things). I’ll give you a high profile relevant example. For instance, when Michael Jackson (may he rest in HELL) was giving inappropriate affection to boys ¼ his age, I don’t think he was getting paid to do so. In fact, he paid out of pocket just to get away with it (not to mention that Jesus Juice probably costs a pretty penny). On the other hand, he did make ‘Thriller’ and made millions of dollars (evilness of Thriller undetermined). Conclusion: Money is not the root of all evil, but it sure makes things a lot more fun. Especially evil things.

4. “Nice guys finish last.”

**Only applicable in an improv rap street battle. (i.e. below)

Thug rapper:

“One, two, three and to the fo’,

I’m gonna shoot you in the face,

Then shoot you some mo’,

Call yo’ mama,

Tell her what I’ve done,

Then take her out

And have some fun,

I’ll blast yo’ ass

From a quarter mile,

Don’t step to me son,

This is Compton style!”

Nice guy:

“I LOVE that red bandanna you’re wearing..” <—FAIL.

5. “Money can’t buy happiness”

Well obviously not, but it can’t buy sadness or any other feeling for that matter either. If you could buy feelings, orgasms would be flying off the shelves in record numbers. All things considered, this is a stupid statement. It’s like saying “Turtles can’t fly over mountains.” Because turtles can’t fly, much less over a mountain, and feelings can’t be bought, even if they were on sale. (Though both would be awesome if they weren’t impossible). The fact still remains that while money can’t buy you happiness, it can certainly help buy things that make you happy. Just as you can’t buy orgasms, but you can buy a battery operated plastic miracle that makes them possible at any given moment. (Incidentally, more orgasms= happier demeanor).So technically money can buy you happiness..Unless you are throwing it away on something useless like charity or something. In which case, you’re probably incredibly rich (I’m talking to you, jews) and trying to cover up your over average unattainable level of money-induced happiness with selfless acts of charity. Nice try, jews.

6. “The bigger they come, the harder they fall”

That is if you can actually get them to fall. Otherwise, the bigger they are, the harder they stomp your puny ass into the ground.

7. “An apple a day keeps the doctor away”

Unless you have AIDS. Then no amount of delicious fresh fruit is going to save you. And neither will the doctor. (should have worn a rubber, dude).

8. “The road to hell is paved with good intentions”

This brings back memories because my dad used to say this one a lot. My general understanding was that if you intend to do good things, but never do them, you end up in hell. (or some equally shitty place in life). That can only mean that if you intend to do bad things, but never actually do them, this leads you to heaven (or some equally shitty place in life).. This is great news because now I can actually intend to go punch random people in the face, recklessly plummet my car into mother’s toting strollers, perhaps even a bit of rape and pillaging, and as long as I never do these things, I’m a shoe-in for heaven! So take that, religion.

9. “Can’t live with’em, can’t live without ‘em”

Then just kill yourself and stop wasting everyone’s time. Problem solved.

10. “Distance makes the heart grow fonder”

This can only be because closeness makes the heart grow hateful and resentful. Though I believe this statement isn’t aimed solely at couples, I will use that particular instance as an example. For instance, if distance is applied, once both parties see that nobody else could possibly love them, the heart grows fond of the person that settled for their worthless ass.

]]> http://www.unintentions.com/?feed=rss2&p=117 http://www.unintentions.com/?p=114 http://www.unintentions.com/?p=114#comments Wed, 24 Jun 2009 02:37:09 +0000 Tiffany http://www.unintentions.com/?p=114 Things are coming along. Finally found a job a week ago today and since then, the mood swings have calmed down a bit. I got a phone call in the morning that I had the job, but wasn’t able to get really excited about it until later that day because I wasn’t confident in conquering the plastic cup they test your urine in. Luckily, I had probably drank enough water by then to quench the thirst of an entire third world country, so the test of course was negative. The nice lady who collected the cup didn’t even question the fact it looked like I had just ran tap water into it. I’ve heard a few times that your urine is always supposed to look like this, but I’m not so sure about that. Not that I have a color preference, but I do prefer to not have to pee every 15 minutes or so, especially with the chance of being held up in an epic traffic jam (which of course happened on my way to the building).. But enough about urine.

The job is tolerable. Being as it’s only my second week, I’m still  in the wierd transition stage where I am trying to feel people out to see how much of “myself” I can really be without them looking at me with puzzled faces. My boss is a rather strange lass who I can’t quite figure out. The interview with her appropiately matched this same description and come to think of it, I’m probably using the word “interview” very loosely as it was mostly comprised of about an hour of her complaining about her job and random frustrations of the company and perhaps about 2 actual “questions” that seemed completely unrelated to the hiring decision. The job itself is very different than any I have had previously and this is because I’m required to actually work for the 8 hours I am there.  This of course is most inconvenient when I was accustomed to such a laid back atmosphere, but I suppose the days do seem a little shorter (at least for now).

In other news, I plan on finally moving in a couple of weeks which I’m sure my boyfriend is a little relieved about as I’ve been living in his room for the past month or so. I miss the simple luxuries of having a place. At this point, I am not even concerned with having my own place, but it will be nice to at least have a room to call my own (even if it’s just on loan).

I’ve been slacking on the writing lately and I suppose this is only due to lack of motivation. I tend to want to write something “groundbreaking” but this of course has yet to happen. I’ll come up with something someday though, perhaps a “diamond in the rough”.  I’ve never so much as owned a diamond yet, so maybe I’m in over my head on composing such a masterpiece. Maybe I’ll settle for some “cubic zirconia” in the rough instead.

I suppose I have sort of floated by on my general common sense and street smarts throughout the course of my life and I am starting to see that will only get me so far. And now I’m a bit overwhelmed. I don’t know where to start. Especially in my current situation, which is jobless, homeless and living week to week just scraping by, and happy to pay what bills I still have. I keep telling myself I will figure this out one day. I will put it off until a point where I feel otherwise “stable” but I’m starting to wonder if I have it all wrong. I no longer want to procrastinate. I feel like I’m procrastinating my own potential at this point and thats all I seem to dwell on these days. It’s the reason I get bummed out. It’s the reason I take things personally. It’s the reason for pretty much any dis-satisfaction with myself or my lack of accomplishments and it’s starting to weigh pretty heavy. But again..the trouble is I need a starting point. And I can’t figure one out.

I have trouble evaluating myself and what my talents are or could be. What I might enjoy doing. I get bored easily and this is a huge downfall. I mean, I have the basics I suppose. I enjoy writing (obviously). I enjoy art (though do not consider myself all that talented at it). I enjoy music. I enjoy being busy. I’m a quick learner. I just need some direction I guess. For some unexplained reason, this keeps tripping me up and I just seem to give up altogether. I think it’s time for a change.

I no longer want to compare myself to others, nor my accomplishments or lack of. I am still reasonably young, but I am also running more and more out of time to do something about this with every day that passes. I thought about going back to school tonight. I researched it and got immediately discouraged. The difference this time is I think I’ll give it a go. I am making it much harder than it is and I do this often. My biggest obstacle is myself.

I still hold onto my desire for the simple things in life. Love, happiness, someday a family, the “classics”… I just get the feeling I won’t get any of these things if I can’t first be proud of myself for something. I’ve spent 24 and a half years slacking off and dismissing my own abilities and I’m seeing this now clearer than ever. It’s equally a bummer and an inspiration. I’m trying hard lately to focus on the second of the two.

For instance, I have always related to music in some regard. I always had an uncanny ability to listen to a song, interpret it’s lyrics, and apply it to my own feelings or situation. This may be the main reason I have such a passion for music in general. I love the way a song can so brilliantly capture a feeling through a lyric you wouldn’t have dreamed up in a million years. I even love the ones I cannot necessarily relate to because some people can write in a way that can make you feel exactly what they are trying to convey,  and to me, that is an amazing gift. I have also come to the conclusion this may be why I enjoy writing so much. Maybe not so much in the lyrical sense, but in general. I hope to someday have that effect on someone. I think that is the ultimate for any sort of artist. To feel related to. To be understood on some other level than merely the surface of things.

I was a very angsty sort of teen that spent hours upon hours by myself in my room. Sometimes I was depressed. S0metimes I was happy.  Sometimes I was creative. Sometimes I was high out of my mind. Whatever the situation, there was always a song to suit the occasion. I would steal my favorite lines and scribble them on the covers of my various journals, books, etc. I even had a bible I had jotted down a line from Pink Floyd’s “Wish You Were Here” on the inside cover. (”Did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?”)..I thought even Jesus could appreciate such a sentiment. My mom said it was blasphemy. But she couldn’t even name the song, so of course her opinion wasn’t of much value to me.

I grew up somewhere along the way and would appreciate different tunes for more and more reasons every day. Some of them for relatable reasons. Some of them for pure therapeutic reasons. Some of them for nothing more than the simple appreciation of awesome talent. I sent my dad entire songs, written out in letters while he was in jail. I figured that maybe someone else could inspire him more so than I even could. An outside perspective, so to speak. He seemed to appreciate this. In any case, lyrics can be quite poetic, even without the melody to back them up.

I realize now that perhaps everyone appreciates music (or other art for that matter) for their own reasons, and that maybe my reason isn’t quite unique, but also not universal. But music most certainly is universal and always will be. It’s gotten me through some of the roughest times in my life and enhanced some of the best. I never did take any anti-depressants or other assorted meds, but i have an entire pharmacy’s worth of albums that are just what the Dr. ordered. No warnings or side effects either..unless you count the ‘parental advisory’s’.

As expected, I ran into some other familiar faces during the duration of the night, and found out 2 friends of mine that are married splti up and I talked awhile with one of them. Break ups are always relatable when you’ve been through one and I think she appreciated that. A little more time passes, and I run into the roommate of my “ex” best friend who just so happened to leave me a few messages the other night regarding some random drama, which incidentally, is the only sort of situation I ever hear from her on anymore. He proceeds to tell me she is on crystal meth (again) and is completely out of control, which of course I sort of knew already, but hearing direct confirmation bummed me out nonetheless. I told him to give her a message for me to which he humbly obliged but I’m not so sure it will get through to her. The funny thing is she still considers me her “best” friend after all of this, yet I don’t think I could pick her out of a personality line-up if I tried. I told him to tell her as long as she is on drugs, I’m not her friend and that she needs to get help. I hope most sincerely she hears the message and maybe just MAYBE she will listen. But it’s a long shot.

Now I’m back under a sane roof and it’s past my bedtime. Tomorrow I am back to Austin and glad about it. This town is sufficating. It’s no longer the comfortable “nest” i resided in for so long. It’s not my home. And after some much needed reflection and thought, I have decided this is most definitely a good thing. Good riddance past. Hello future. It’s nice to meet you finally.

I am the strangest person you will ever know. I will confuse you. I am defensive to a fault. I am humble, yet sometimes unwilling to take responsibility for my own mistakes or missed oppurtunities. I am more insecure than you will ever realize and I work hard to not show this. I have messed up way beyond your comprehension.  I feel equally wise and stupid for mistakes I have made in the past. I am a fast learner, but I don’t retain much. I remember things that would blow your mind. I think about you way more often than you can possibly be thinking about me.  I think of myself only when forced, and even then it feels selfish even though logic tells me it isn’t. I have failed but am not a failure. I’ve said I love you without meaning it but didn’t know it at the time. I am much more clever than you think. I have secrets and I plan on keeping them.  I hold things in, even though I try not to. I hate confrontation and try like hell to avoid it. I can over analyze a sentence into an entire string of phrases you never meant to say. I take things personally, especially when i’m instructed not to.  I’m sensitive but strong. I enjoy a good cry now and again. I really do care what you think of me. I am impossibly random. I am not yet sure of my purpose in life. I will always consider myself a realist rather than a pessimist. I can be clingy. I can be distant.  I am complicated but not high maintenence. I love sex but only with one person. I have trouble communicating my feelings to others. I use humor as a sheild and often laugh at things that really aren’t funny. I am cocky only in thes sense that I think I have good taste in certain things. I am constantly comparing myself with others while at the same time dishing out advice to others to avoid this exact thing. I am a total weirdo and have trouble relating to most of the human race. Still like me? Check yes or no.

Sincerely,

me