I think my dad is in jail again. I usually find out this information weeks or so later from my sister or some other random person much more distant from me (like someone who saw our elaborate last name in the local paper). I’m not surprised or anything, I figured it would be happening again sooner or later. I have found myself wondering lately if it’s the best place for him. I also find myself wondering if there is such a place for him at all. I guess you could say I have found myself wondering about him alot more than anything.

 We have a tragic history really. Something I think we both always wanted to remedy somehow, some way..But it never took off. Sure, theres regret and it scares me that it might be there forever and after rather than ever get resolved. I dont so much as picture a moment where we have some sort of “revelation” and hash all this shit out once and for all..I don’t think I will get that chance and it’s fucking terrifying. Now more than ever.

 I have sort of a go-to good memory of just the two of us involving Zilker Park and him saving me from an almost-freak bicycle accident. I was 8 and I remember throwing up silently the whole night before as to not let him know I was too sick to really go. I sucked it up and pretended to feel fine and dandy and we went to the park as planned. The good part of the memory ends when I end up getting sick on myself later on from whatever I had the night before and dad yelling at me to “get my ass in the truck” and a rant about how I should have told him I was sick..(most likely so he wouldn’t have had to keep his promise and take me in the first place)..

 I wish things were different. Lord knows I’ve made attempts to make it so..But I suppose it all justifies the phrase that some things never change. I can only imagine the guilt he feels and sometimes that alone can twist my mood and let me forgive him for everything somehow.  I am slowly starting to realize that I only know of one person in my short little treebranch of family that made it past 60… I think dad is pushing 42 or so now… I honestly can’t believe he made it this long…

Every day I wonder if he is okay. I hope he knows that.