- ‘Don’t judge a book by it’s cover’
So what are we supposed to judge it by? By what’s inside?? Yeah, right…. I find this rarely occurs in the metaphorical sense, and by my own experience, even in the literal sense. In fact thinking back, the reason I chose most of the books I was going to read in school was based on the cover art alone. And yeah, some were crap for reading. But the artwork was still cool. Of course, the same applies to people. I believe everyone is guilty of constant and ever present judgment on those around them. Especially on those we don’t know or may just be passing by. We are only able to see their “covers” and we judge them accordingly to our own preferences and moral standards. I have found this is an essential part of human nature and definitely the reason cliques exist. Meaning similar people tend to flock together. And just how do you think this happens so often? Is it because they took the time to go up to one another and really get to know each other? Of course not! Most friendships I’ve seen or even been in were initiated solely on common association or interests. I suppose the saying to “not judge” is due to the fact that sometimes judgment is flawed. Sometimes that cool looking dude with the dreads and all the tattoos isn’t really an easygoing guy that will sell you weed. Sometimes he is a douche. Sometimes he is the lead singer in a christian ska band. Sometimes he is an undercover informant for the FBI. You see, some people try and pull a fast one on you, thereby throwing your judgment skills off kilter and making you doubt your own brilliant ability. But don’t lose faith because the point is, most times I find that people project themselves on the outside the way they want to be seen on the inside. For instance, you probably aren’t going to see a church pastor walking around with cornrows and shirts that say “Fuck Satan!” (Although that would be awesome.) But until that happens, I say judge away. Otherwise you will end up with friends you don’t even like. And they will cry when you make fun of their gay shirt.
2. “The grass is always greener on the other side”
Why exactly? Does the metaphorical lawn maintenance guy have a vendetta against you and vows to never water the grass on the side you happen to be on? Then let’s say if you were to switch sides, is he taking his garden supplies and skipping to the opposite end, laughing and pointing as he passes you? Maybe.. Of course, it could just be your own idiotic perception telling you things could always be better. It could always be greener. Right?… Wrong! In fact I think it’s the other way around. Personally, if you’ve got any kind of green going on in your grass, I think you should consider yourself lucky. (Even if that lawn maintenance guy is an asshole). The fact is things could always be worse. Change your perception and life will be much less frustrating. If anything, the grass is always deader on the other side. Also, it may be laced with booby traps and bombs (you never know-I wouldn’t put it past that evil lawn technician).
3. “Money is the root of all evil”
Whoever came up with this one was poor and wanted to make themselves feel better by deeming the very thing they didn’t have as the ROOT of all evil. Really? That’s a pretty far stretch if you ask me. The root of all evil is nothing more than human nature. After all, who do you think invented money in the first place? Last time I checked, evil has been around way longer than any currency (dinosaurs=definitely evil). But it definitely spiced things up a bit didn’t it? It’s true, people have done some awful things for money, some of them might even be considered evil .Is that to say money is the reason they did such things? Nahhhh. Sure, it’s an added bonus if you just so happen to be an evil person…But money didn’t make you that way. And what about things that money has nothing to do with? Evil things happen all the time and nobody is getting paid for them (except maybe the victims of such things). I’ll give you a high profile relevant example. For instance, when Michael Jackson (may he rest in HELL) was giving inappropriate affection to boys ¼ his age, I don’t think he was getting paid to do so. In fact, he paid out of pocket just to get away with it (not to mention that Jesus Juice probably costs a pretty penny). On the other hand, he did make ‘Thriller’ and made millions of dollars (evilness of Thriller undetermined). Conclusion: Money is not the root of all evil, but it sure makes things a lot more fun. Especially evil things.
4. “Nice guys finish last.”
**Only applicable in an improv rap street battle. (i.e. below)
Thug rapper:
“One, two, three and to the fo’,
I’m gonna shoot you in the face,
Then shoot you some mo’,
Call yo’ mama,
Tell her what I’ve done,
Then take her out
And have some fun,
I’ll blast yo’ ass
From a quarter mile,
Don’t step to me son,
This is Compton style!”
Nice guy:
“I LOVE that red bandanna you’re wearing..” <—FAIL.
5. “Money can’t buy happiness”
Well obviously not, but it can’t buy sadness or any other feeling for that matter either. If you could buy feelings, orgasms would be flying off the shelves in record numbers. All things considered, this is a stupid statement. It’s like saying “Turtles can’t fly over mountains.” Because turtles can’t fly, much less over a mountain, and feelings can’t be bought, even if they were on sale. (Though both would be awesome if they weren’t impossible). The fact still remains that while money can’t buy you happiness, it can certainly help buy things that make you happy. Just as you can’t buy orgasms, but you can buy a battery operated plastic miracle that makes them possible at any given moment. (Incidentally, more orgasms= happier demeanor).So technically money can buy you happiness..Unless you are throwing it away on something useless like charity or something. In which case, you’re probably incredibly rich (I’m talking to you, jews) and trying to cover up your over average unattainable level of money-induced happiness with selfless acts of charity. Nice try, jews.
6. “The bigger they come, the harder they fall”
That is if you can actually get them to fall. Otherwise, the bigger they are, the harder they stomp your puny ass into the ground.
7. “An apple a day keeps the doctor away”
Unless you have AIDS. Then no amount of delicious fresh fruit is going to save you. And neither will the doctor. (should have worn a rubber, dude).
8. “The road to hell is paved with good intentions”
This brings back memories because my dad used to say this one a lot. My general understanding was that if you intend to do good things, but never do them, you end up in hell. (or some equally shitty place in life). That can only mean that if you intend to do bad things, but never actually do them, this leads you to heaven (or some equally shitty place in life).. This is great news because now I can actually intend to go punch random people in the face, recklessly plummet my car into mother’s toting strollers, perhaps even a bit of rape and pillaging, and as long as I never do these things, I’m a shoe-in for heaven! So take that, religion.
9. “Can’t live with’em, can’t live without ‘em”
Then just kill yourself and stop wasting everyone’s time. Problem solved.
10. “Distance makes the heart grow fonder”
This can only be because closeness makes the heart grow hateful and resentful. Though I believe this statement isn’t aimed solely at couples, I will use that particular instance as an example. For instance, if distance is applied, once both parties see that nobody else could possibly love them, the heart grows fond of the person that settled for their worthless ass.