Unintentions

this is my life and it’s ending 1 minute at a time..

Archive for August, 2009

4 Letters

Aug 5

Posted by Tiffany in Embracing the random

I got the warmest sleep again, woke up under a lazy embrace. I stared at you carefully, measured you up against the highest stakes. I craved you like a drug that night, I wonder if you noticed. You have a certain grin sometimes that begs reciprocation and I usually oblige. Me, I’m always eager, always waiting for the next time. I can see that humble side of you, the side that doesn’t realize your effect on me. You ignored me gently, in a way that breeds anticipation. I want to show you, impress you, leave you wanting more. All I really need is a touch, a glance, a smile. Was I always this easy to please?

The months passed in a hot flash of impulse leaving their footprints as each one ended. I sunk myself between messy sheets and memorized each crease of every ceiling. I ran for freedom, took shelter in the simplicity of laughter and good wine. You opened a door that I had shut and locked up ages ago. I was wreckless and immediately surrendered myself to your effortless charm. My smiles felt sincere again. I muddled over the things I left behind for this and decide without regret or hesitation that I chose correctly. I wonder sometimes if you know. The obstacles were few and unjust to receive such a victory, but I would willingly climb any mountain, run any distance for you. At times, the fear of loss consumes my irrational thoughts and I wonder if things go as the saying does…’Nothing good ever lasts’ so they say. Sometimes my ears ring with silence, my pendulum swings unsteadily, and I tend to slip on level ground. You said I worry too much and I nodded and agreed. I am constantly grasping and reaching for something definite.. Something secure. But other times, I let go as if freefalling through open sky. This is the version of me I prefer, the one I become when in your presence. I take refuge in the best bits, the little things. The things I don’t say could fill up hour upon idle hour, but it all comes out better in type. I silently try and tell you, as my hands are more eloquent than I could ever try and vocalize.

Love is such a simple little word that doesn’t justify such a feeling. I wrap up these things like a condensed little present and hope those 4 letters do their job

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cheers.

Aug 2

Posted by Tiffany in Embracing the random

Last week brought the sudden unwelcomed urge to cry. I thought of you then as if smelling a familiar scent that conjures a memory. Nostalgia has blurred my recollection  and my thoughts of you are softened with gradual absence. I remember you in the most selective way, and we go on, staying friends, or at least some version of something platonic. And then I remember. The reason behind the familiar sting of a tear stained face. A version of you that I knew so well, yet somehow dismissed in light of our separation. The version I chose to leave behind. And so have you it seems.

We converse lightly, with history in our eyes. I wonder if you can still see the part of me you managed to destroy, lying dormant somewhere beneath our casual conversation about the weather . Your apologies then only offered condolences to a certain spirit I must work hard to regain. It’s still lost somewhere beneath the rubble. You mentioned her again in a light I wonder if you ever mentioned me in when I wasn’t around. You brag humbly about your new found happiness, and lessons learned in the past five years. I listen, interpreting  as a teacher would to her pupil, and take appropriate credit for your sudden appreciation and respect. I am talking the the man I always hoped you would be for me. That hindsight tends to be 20/20.  But  I learned some things from you along the way, before all was said and done.   The things you taught me were needed, not wanted. I never knew my breaking point before you. You pushed me in ways I never want to be pushed again, but I needed to feel it. I needed to know I could survive it.

I think about you now and wonder. I wonder if she’ll ever see your potential for rage. I wonder if you will ever scream her name and hold back your shaking hand professing how much you would like to drag it across her crying face. I wonder if you will ever look at her in a way that makes her shudder and crumble to the floor. I wonder if she will ever doubt your love for her. I wonder if you’ll hold her down, preventing her escape or threaten the very core of her soul. I wonder if you will mock her when she cries. I wonder if she will ever break and become unrecognizable to herself under the weight of your harsh words and steady, almost constant  absence. Did I get the worst of you all that time? Did I dedicate myself fully and faithfully for five years just to teach you how to show your best to someone else? I suppose that’s what friends are for.

I am not in regret or remorse for you.  We are sharing ourselves, new and improved with new people that are better for us. We are experiencing feelings we never felt with each other. This makes me feel equally sad and accomplished. To be your friend now is a sort of pacifier to the reality that someday, things will be different. Someday I won’t know you at all. By that time, I can’t say for sure if I will even be sad about it.  Someday we will look back and laugh at the audacity that five years seemed like a long time.  That night we collided our glasses together and said cheers to nothing. I say cheers to us and every mistake we ever made with each other. Every lesson learned. I couldn’t have asked for a happier ending with you.

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