Lately, I’ve had a lot of free time to think and at times this is quite overwhelming and draining on the ol’ soul. Other times, I think this is just what I need. I look around me and see that everyone is doing something and I feel like I’m doing basically nothing to better myself or my life. I’ve had an especially hard time recently answering the most simple questions about myself and my goals. Perhaps that is because I haven’t set any and for that I am truly kicking myself.
I suppose I have sort of floated by on my general common sense and street smarts throughout the course of my life and I am starting to see that will only get me so far. And now I’m a bit overwhelmed. I don’t know where to start. Especially in my current situation, which is jobless, homeless and living week to week just scraping by, and happy to pay what bills I still have. I keep telling myself I will figure this out one day. I will put it off until a point where I feel otherwise “stable” but I’m starting to wonder if I have it all wrong. I no longer want to procrastinate. I feel like I’m procrastinating my own potential at this point and thats all I seem to dwell on these days. It’s the reason I get bummed out. It’s the reason I take things personally. It’s the reason for pretty much any dis-satisfaction with myself or my lack of accomplishments and it’s starting to weigh pretty heavy. But again..the trouble is I need a starting point. And I can’t figure one out.
I have trouble evaluating myself and what my talents are or could be. What I might enjoy doing. I get bored easily and this is a huge downfall. I mean, I have the basics I suppose. I enjoy writing (obviously). I enjoy art (though do not consider myself all that talented at it). I enjoy music. I enjoy being busy. I’m a quick learner. I just need some direction I guess. For some unexplained reason, this keeps tripping me up and I just seem to give up altogether. I think it’s time for a change.
I no longer want to compare myself to others, nor my accomplishments or lack of. I am still reasonably young, but I am also running more and more out of time to do something about this with every day that passes. I thought about going back to school tonight. I researched it and got immediately discouraged. The difference this time is I think I’ll give it a go. I am making it much harder than it is and I do this often. My biggest obstacle is myself.
I still hold onto my desire for the simple things in life. Love, happiness, someday a family, the “classics”… I just get the feeling I won’t get any of these things if I can’t first be proud of myself for something. I’ve spent 24 and a half years slacking off and dismissing my own abilities and I’m seeing this now clearer than ever. It’s equally a bummer and an inspiration. I’m trying hard lately to focus on the second of the two.